Starting over, again.....help!

I really am not looking forward to this week. I have to be on my own, no phone calls, no emails, no text messages to Matt. This is going to be so FREAKING hard for me. He is the first person I would tell ANYTHING to, insignificant or not, he was always my first thought of who to contact. Now I have to basically stop cold turkey my contact with him. I failed MISERABLY last time, and this time I have to stay strong.

I can no longer allow him to rule my life, and influence my decisions. I was an extremely independent and happy person before I met him. And you know what, I became this extremely DEPENDENT person for the last year and half. And I hate that about myself. I never wanted that to happen to me, and it did, so easily, and I was way to deep in before I could pull myself out. Now, I was pushed out without a choice, and I'm left to pick up the pieces and put my life back together, ON MY OWN.

So here's to me learning to be my own, strong, INDEPENDENT woman, who is happy with what she has here. Because I CANNOT live my life thinking that things will ever work out between us. Honestly, I'm not sure he deserves me. That may sound pompous, but I gave SO much to this relationship, and did not get the respect that I deserved in return. Of course I'm fighting this notion in my head, saying that I would give anything to have him back, but maybe its a good thing he's not here anymore. Maybe I will really find MYSELF. He said he wants to go "find himself", well good luck. Because now I just decided to do the same, and its not going to be in the form of another relationship, which I'm sure is where he will find himself soon and all his words will become null. I am going to better my career path, and get involved in things that interest me and I want to learn more about. I am going to make new friends, and be better about keeping up with the ones I have. And so on.....so here's to the new me. I have to re-invent the way I live my life or I'm going to drown in my own depression. That is not going to happen. It can't.

Love lost.....again....

I am sad, very, very sad. Things with Matt are completely over, he broke up with me yesterday. The emptiness inside of me is almost unbearable, and the clenching of my heart is physically painful. I don't want to go through this again, I don't want to not have him in my life. How can it be that someone can say they love you, but can't make the relationship work? I've never loved someone as much as I love him, and the thought of him not being my other half anymore is devastating. I feel so alone, suddenly alone and empty. I thought we were going to make it, I thought our love would be enough to make the distance work. I wanted it, more than I wanted anything else.

Today I am very, very sad.

Celebrating 100 years!!

My absolutely adorable grandmother turned 100 yesterday. We had a big party for her this weekend in SC, it was awesome. Family came in from all over the country, and we had a damn good time. I love this woman. Look at her, how can you not??? She is someone truly to be admired, I hope I can be half the lady she has been for the past 100 years!!

My OTHER part time job...

So I have this running joke with myself that my part time job is going to/being in weddings. Well, after tomorrow that phase of my life is over for the forseeable future. THANK GOD. (No offense to my married friends, I've had a blast, but I need a break! )

Well, my OTHER part time job is sitting in airports/flying on airplanes. Now, many times I have a very fun time at my destinations, but I have felt like I've had NO life here in Raleigh for a long time. And my goal for 2006 is to get that social life back that I once had. I think I've done a pretty good job so far, but hey, its still early in the year.

And tonight, I will once again, go to RDU, get on a plane and fly away to go to ANOTHER wedding. I think the weekend will be fun sure, but I'm missing out on a lot here with my FRIENDS that I need to HAVE when I return. Tonight is Happy Hour in Chapel Hill with Cara and Chappy. Tomorrow the Redskins play and the Pats play, which means the usual crew will be going out to watch Football and then going out afterwards. Then Sunday will bring another afternoon of hanging out, watching football and catching up on the weekends funny stories. ANDDDDDDDDd to make matters a little worse, another group of friends of mine are all down at Nags Head at my friend Amy's beach house for the weekend. So yeah, I like going away, but man I would love to stay here and not ALWAYS miss out on the fun.

So here's to the end of BOTH of my part time jobs after this weekend!!

CHEERS :)

Going across the big pond again...

So you know you really like someone when you are willing to traverse the freaking ocean to go see them. And for short periods of time at that. I am making my 4th trip to Amsterdam in less than a year in a few short weeks. The fun part is that this time we are not staying in Amsterdam. We are going skiing in France! I've never been to France so I'm super excited. Plus the ski trip is free because its being sponsored by good ole Uncle Biogen, can't beat that!

So, one might picture a ski weekend in France as quite romantic and think of things like drinking wine by the fire, riding the ski lifts as the sun is setting and kissing like teenagers....ahhhh. WELL let me tell you, I have been skiing since I was 5 years old, and Matt has never skiied in his life. Picture the 6'6" tall man trying to make his way down the mountain on a pair of skis, or a snowboard as he is hell bent on trying (good luck with that). I think that just took ANY romance out of the situation. I'm having mental pictures of this giant man falling down, poles flying everywhere, one ski sliding down the hill, and kids from the lifts pointing and laughing :) And you know how sore and tired you can be after a day of skiing when you KNOW how to ski, I can imagine what it's like if you are learning :)

BUT it's going to be a great time I am sure. We always have fun together and I can't wait to take pictures of this experience for everyone to see. If we are still speaking at the end of it all...hahaha....But I'm sure there will be lots of wine drank, I hear those crazy dutchies like to dance into the wee hours of the morning, and hell, I'm gonna be in the mountains of freaking France! How awesome is that?? Plus, I get to spend 4 days with Matt, what's better than that??


PS- check out the webcam of where I'm going....
http://www.labresse-remy.com/webcam.php

I like 2006 so far...

Ok so I know we are only 9 days into the new year, but I've had a pretty kick ass 9 days I would say. Here's to 9 more...and 9 more... ok wait. I am already SUPER tired from the first 9, so I'm going to take a break this week and just work out and rest up. But who knows what will really happen!

Plus I have my annual reunion with my college roommates this weekend in DC, which will be really fun. I know Friday night Alissa, Gigi, KTO and I (these are my favorites) are going out in Adams Morgan, Then saturday we have a wedding, which will be a big JMU reunion and I'm sure lots of fun. Then Sunday we will probably lay around all day and talk. How girls do it I don't know, but yes, we can talk all freaking day long. It should be great.

So yeah, here's to a fun, super social, hopefully super healthy and in-shape 2006!

GO REDSKINS!

Why does it feel like Summer??

So today at 1pm I left for lunch. When I stepped outside I was met with warm sunshine and a nice, spring like breeze. As I got in my car I felt like Summer was around the corner as I put in a good mix, rolled down my windows and drove down the sunny street. I was instantly happy thinking of lying on the beach, drinking a beer, and reading a good book. I was SO convinced for a few minutes that this would be something I would be doing very soon. But then reality hit again and I realized, oh my goodness, its only freaking January 9th! AHHHHHHHHHHH

But I guess this is one of the reasons I love living in the South. Winter is so far away most of the year. Why then did I proceed to purchase 6 new sweaters within the last week? Today I am totally not sure. I guess I should have purchased 6 new pairs of flip flops instead.....I'm sure Winter will rear its ugly head again, probably sooner than later. But until then, here's to warm, sunny days of windows down, a nice cold beer and flip flops :)

5:30pm = Facing my fears....

Why is it so easy to become insecure in relationships? Even after you have the BEST time together and hear all the things you need to hear? Why is it that one little thing from the past can completely ruin, in a split second, any progress you've made of moving past all those old fears/insecurities?

Today, at 5:30pm, I have reluctantly agreed to have drinks with the girl who has caused the biggest problem in my relationship. It's a complicated story, and one that is as juicy and dramatic as they come. Yet its also really sad and disheartening in a way. But I'm not going to tell it , because the wounds are still in the healing process, and I made a promise to myself, and to someone else that I would no longer throw this back in his face. And in order for me to not do that, I HAVE to stay positive and think of where we are GOING and not where we have been.

So the problem at hand is that my stomach is in knots at the thought of seeing this girl, who I used to call a friend, for the first time in a couple of months, and for the first time since all hell broke loose. In some ways I want to throw my drink on her and then leave, and in some ways I want to see her feel bad, and feel sorry, and freaking apologize to me. I was the one who was hurt, not her, so why has her reaction to the whole situation been so self-centered??

BUT, in the end, this has been the catalyst to really examine our relationship and I think it forced us to make a decision on what to do. And we have moved onto the next level, the level past the past so to speak. The level where truth SHOULD be told, and where we, or at least I, felt a true desperation at the thought of losing him. Sure, the thoughts of loss had been forefront in my mind since the end of summer when things were broken off. But there was still constant communication and involvement in each others lives. There were lots of threats of truly ending all communication, but I never had the heart to actually do it. BUT sometimes finding out truth really breaks you down and drives you to the point where your misery is so great that just getting out of that rut is enough to make you say, OK I can say goodbye. Or it can force you to examine, together, what went truly wrong, and are there still feelings there, and are these feelings strong enough to survive and make the relationship last?

I have true confidence, for the first time, that we can do this. Things have changed, a lot, for the good and the bad. But I know that I have learned a TON about myself, and what I need to do differently and I'm excited to see where this goes. So now, all I have to do is kick these old insecurities to the curb, and remember why I'm doing this, and that it's worth it for what I gain from this relationship. It's not that I doubt, at all, it's just that I get off course, way too easily. And this is just the beginning....

But this is a new beginning, one that I have hope for a happy ending :) Plus I'm wearing 3 inch heels today so if things get out of hand tonight I can take care of her REALLY easily :)

So far, So good...

So yesterday was day one of the new, non-smoking, eating healthy and working out me! Let's see, I managed to spend $75 at the grocery store on things like salad, and fruit, and meat and veggies. $75 is a lot of freaking money! I'm hoping this will motivate me alone to eat this stuff and LOVE it :) hahaha...I also went to the gym and walked 3 miles at a nice brisk pace, trying to stay within the fat burning range, but how does one REALLY know that without checking their pulse every two seconds??

Anywho...I woke up this morning feeling sore. That's a good thing. And today I am going to take a class, and then go bowling with some friends for good measure. The purest form of sheer exercise out there has to be bowling! maybe I will bowl twice this week. It is a new year, who knows what I might do!

So 0 cigarettes yesterday. I say this because I'm not really a smoker so its not really an issue for me at all. HA.

This is me and my girl Cara. She rocks. I met her the first night I moved to Raleigh 4 1/2 years ago. I never would have made it here if I hadn't met her. We've had SO many good times together, and seen each other go through a lot! I had the privilege of being in her wedding this past October when she married Justin. What a night! Cara and I will keep on rocking The Triangle for awhile :)
Car & Car.

So it's 2006. Wow, where has the time gone? Am I really 26 years old? As the new year approaches one is often thinking of what lies ahead, and where am I going with my life?? 2005 was well, an interesting year to say the least. I had more BIG ups and downs than I've had in a long time. But in retrospect a lot was learned, and is being learned I guess.

I have a lot of new things going on and I am excited to see where this year leads me. I just started a new job, which is a biggie. I'm not sure if this is the job for me or not, but I am going to give it 100% and see what happens. I just came out of an absoultely miserable job situation and I am already MUCH happier in my life, even only being gone for about a month!

I've decided that I need to finish my MBA. Classes start next week, I'm going to sign up I think. Why not? Can having an MBA make things worse? I think not. Plus, having options ALWAYS makes life much more interesting.

And then I have this whole relationship thing going on with a certain someone. It's complicated, it makes me happy, it makes me sad. I hate being so far away from him, that is the worst part about the whole thing. I'm worried about the distance tearing us apart, but I don't think I can handle it again if things end. We are in this stage of not dating other people, and working on our relationship. I WANT to make it work, its the only thing I care about making work at this point in my life. But I'm scared of ruining things for myself by falling back into old habits because I'm scared. Why does fear drive me to act irrationally? This is absolutely frustrating! So, now that it's a new year, I am absolutely going to have to approach things differently or else the relationship will fail. But he will have to do this too. I think we can do it. No one else makes me as happy as he does; can make me laugh like he does; makes me feel so alive and like I'm a part of something. We've been lots of places together around the world, and have been through soo much already in the past year and a half since we met, I don't want to start over and there is no one else I'd rather experience new things with.

With that said, here's to the new me. In 2006: no more smoking, no more fast food (at least for a month), and a new approach to my complicated relationship!!

Happy New Years!!