So confused....
Do you ever feel like your life is a paradox of contradictions? I feel like I'm living in so many realms right now, where reality and dreams are mixing so closely, that I'm not sure what to believe anymore. And that words coming out of people's lips are starting to sound like Charley Brown's teacher "mwah mwah mwah..." and that I am trying to so hard to grasp onto the brutal reality of my life, but am so lost in the mode of deciphering everything, that I don't even know what the heck it is I'm trying to figure out anymore.....
I've had this endless conversation with Matt about us, what do we feel, for each other, without each other, where are we going, what are we doing....I'm drowning in the contradictions coming out of his mouth. And its clouding over everything else in my life, making it hard to think, make decisions, move on. I hear "I love you, I miss you, its hard to have you in my life, but its hard to have you not in my life" then a minute or two later I hear "It was only fair to come see you over Christmas". ONLY FAIR?? WHAT THE HELL? And in a single moment I'm enraged, and deeply hurt, and my eyes well with tears at the thought that all of it was a lie, and he felt like he owed me something for some reason. But then a few minutes later I hear "I just need some time, to figure stuff out, to be myself. I don't want you to come skiing because I can't handle it emotionally. It's all too fresh and it hurts too much." OH I THOUGHT YOU JUST CAME TO SEE ME BECAUSE YOU OWE ME. BUT NOW ITS TOO HARD? hmmmm.....I can't see straight, or think straight. My life is being overtaken by the vortex of my mind.
My mind is like a steel trap, I remember EVERYTHING. This in itself is a blessing and a curse. If you say you love me, and give me that look, I will remember it always, with a deep fondness. If you tell me you don't ever want to talk to me again, I will remember it forever too. And most likely dwell on it, because I can be highly dangerous to myself.
So I'm searching for a way out of the heaviness of my thoughts. It's not that I'm depressed so much, but just feel burdened. I want to move on, I know this is the right thing for us. For now. But I want to be a part of what we had. I get sad hearing that Matt's dad is sick and almost went to the hospital, and he had no one to talk to, except me, 4 days after the fact. It stings to not be that first call anymore. Yeah, that's the stuff that kind of twists the knife a little deeper.
I could go on, and on, and on....and I guess this is my blog, I can do what I want. But I won't.....this is just a glimpse into my head.
But everything is totally magnified right now because as we speak, I am supposed to be in Amsterdam, hanging out with Matt. Maybe we would be out having some beers, and talking all night like we used to, and like we love to. Or maybe we would be at his house, on his completely uncomfortable futon for a couch, having some wine, falling asleep to one of his favorite movies. But I am at work, and am fighting back the tears and the urge to pick up the phone and call him.
At least I'm getting my haircut tonight.
I've had this endless conversation with Matt about us, what do we feel, for each other, without each other, where are we going, what are we doing....I'm drowning in the contradictions coming out of his mouth. And its clouding over everything else in my life, making it hard to think, make decisions, move on. I hear "I love you, I miss you, its hard to have you in my life, but its hard to have you not in my life" then a minute or two later I hear "It was only fair to come see you over Christmas". ONLY FAIR?? WHAT THE HELL? And in a single moment I'm enraged, and deeply hurt, and my eyes well with tears at the thought that all of it was a lie, and he felt like he owed me something for some reason. But then a few minutes later I hear "I just need some time, to figure stuff out, to be myself. I don't want you to come skiing because I can't handle it emotionally. It's all too fresh and it hurts too much." OH I THOUGHT YOU JUST CAME TO SEE ME BECAUSE YOU OWE ME. BUT NOW ITS TOO HARD? hmmmm.....I can't see straight, or think straight. My life is being overtaken by the vortex of my mind.
My mind is like a steel trap, I remember EVERYTHING. This in itself is a blessing and a curse. If you say you love me, and give me that look, I will remember it always, with a deep fondness. If you tell me you don't ever want to talk to me again, I will remember it forever too. And most likely dwell on it, because I can be highly dangerous to myself.
So I'm searching for a way out of the heaviness of my thoughts. It's not that I'm depressed so much, but just feel burdened. I want to move on, I know this is the right thing for us. For now. But I want to be a part of what we had. I get sad hearing that Matt's dad is sick and almost went to the hospital, and he had no one to talk to, except me, 4 days after the fact. It stings to not be that first call anymore. Yeah, that's the stuff that kind of twists the knife a little deeper.
I could go on, and on, and on....and I guess this is my blog, I can do what I want. But I won't.....this is just a glimpse into my head.
But everything is totally magnified right now because as we speak, I am supposed to be in Amsterdam, hanging out with Matt. Maybe we would be out having some beers, and talking all night like we used to, and like we love to. Or maybe we would be at his house, on his completely uncomfortable futon for a couch, having some wine, falling asleep to one of his favorite movies. But I am at work, and am fighting back the tears and the urge to pick up the phone and call him.
At least I'm getting my haircut tonight.
posted by Carissa @ 3:04 PM
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