5:30pm = Facing my fears....
Why is it so easy to become insecure in relationships? Even after you have the BEST time together and hear all the things you need to hear? Why is it that one little thing from the past can completely ruin, in a split second, any progress you've made of moving past all those old fears/insecurities?
Today, at 5:30pm, I have reluctantly agreed to have drinks with the girl who has caused the biggest problem in my relationship. It's a complicated story, and one that is as juicy and dramatic as they come. Yet its also really sad and disheartening in a way. But I'm not going to tell it , because the wounds are still in the healing process, and I made a promise to myself, and to someone else that I would no longer throw this back in his face. And in order for me to not do that, I HAVE to stay positive and think of where we are GOING and not where we have been.
So the problem at hand is that my stomach is in knots at the thought of seeing this girl, who I used to call a friend, for the first time in a couple of months, and for the first time since all hell broke loose. In some ways I want to throw my drink on her and then leave, and in some ways I want to see her feel bad, and feel sorry, and freaking apologize to me. I was the one who was hurt, not her, so why has her reaction to the whole situation been so self-centered??
BUT, in the end, this has been the catalyst to really examine our relationship and I think it forced us to make a decision on what to do. And we have moved onto the next level, the level past the past so to speak. The level where truth SHOULD be told, and where we, or at least I, felt a true desperation at the thought of losing him. Sure, the thoughts of loss had been forefront in my mind since the end of summer when things were broken off. But there was still constant communication and involvement in each others lives. There were lots of threats of truly ending all communication, but I never had the heart to actually do it. BUT sometimes finding out truth really breaks you down and drives you to the point where your misery is so great that just getting out of that rut is enough to make you say, OK I can say goodbye. Or it can force you to examine, together, what went truly wrong, and are there still feelings there, and are these feelings strong enough to survive and make the relationship last?
I have true confidence, for the first time, that we can do this. Things have changed, a lot, for the good and the bad. But I know that I have learned a TON about myself, and what I need to do differently and I'm excited to see where this goes. So now, all I have to do is kick these old insecurities to the curb, and remember why I'm doing this, and that it's worth it for what I gain from this relationship. It's not that I doubt, at all, it's just that I get off course, way too easily. And this is just the beginning....
But this is a new beginning, one that I have hope for a happy ending :) Plus I'm wearing 3 inch heels today so if things get out of hand tonight I can take care of her REALLY easily :)
Today, at 5:30pm, I have reluctantly agreed to have drinks with the girl who has caused the biggest problem in my relationship. It's a complicated story, and one that is as juicy and dramatic as they come. Yet its also really sad and disheartening in a way. But I'm not going to tell it , because the wounds are still in the healing process, and I made a promise to myself, and to someone else that I would no longer throw this back in his face. And in order for me to not do that, I HAVE to stay positive and think of where we are GOING and not where we have been.
So the problem at hand is that my stomach is in knots at the thought of seeing this girl, who I used to call a friend, for the first time in a couple of months, and for the first time since all hell broke loose. In some ways I want to throw my drink on her and then leave, and in some ways I want to see her feel bad, and feel sorry, and freaking apologize to me. I was the one who was hurt, not her, so why has her reaction to the whole situation been so self-centered??
BUT, in the end, this has been the catalyst to really examine our relationship and I think it forced us to make a decision on what to do. And we have moved onto the next level, the level past the past so to speak. The level where truth SHOULD be told, and where we, or at least I, felt a true desperation at the thought of losing him. Sure, the thoughts of loss had been forefront in my mind since the end of summer when things were broken off. But there was still constant communication and involvement in each others lives. There were lots of threats of truly ending all communication, but I never had the heart to actually do it. BUT sometimes finding out truth really breaks you down and drives you to the point where your misery is so great that just getting out of that rut is enough to make you say, OK I can say goodbye. Or it can force you to examine, together, what went truly wrong, and are there still feelings there, and are these feelings strong enough to survive and make the relationship last?
I have true confidence, for the first time, that we can do this. Things have changed, a lot, for the good and the bad. But I know that I have learned a TON about myself, and what I need to do differently and I'm excited to see where this goes. So now, all I have to do is kick these old insecurities to the curb, and remember why I'm doing this, and that it's worth it for what I gain from this relationship. It's not that I doubt, at all, it's just that I get off course, way too easily. And this is just the beginning....
But this is a new beginning, one that I have hope for a happy ending :) Plus I'm wearing 3 inch heels today so if things get out of hand tonight I can take care of her REALLY easily :)
posted by Carissa @ 11:27 AM
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