So confused....

Do you ever feel like your life is a paradox of contradictions? I feel like I'm living in so many realms right now, where reality and dreams are mixing so closely, that I'm not sure what to believe anymore. And that words coming out of people's lips are starting to sound like Charley Brown's teacher "mwah mwah mwah..." and that I am trying to so hard to grasp onto the brutal reality of my life, but am so lost in the mode of deciphering everything, that I don't even know what the heck it is I'm trying to figure out anymore.....

I've had this endless conversation with Matt about us, what do we feel, for each other, without each other, where are we going, what are we doing....I'm drowning in the contradictions coming out of his mouth. And its clouding over everything else in my life, making it hard to think, make decisions, move on. I hear "I love you, I miss you, its hard to have you in my life, but its hard to have you not in my life" then a minute or two later I hear "It was only fair to come see you over Christmas". ONLY FAIR?? WHAT THE HELL? And in a single moment I'm enraged, and deeply hurt, and my eyes well with tears at the thought that all of it was a lie, and he felt like he owed me something for some reason. But then a few minutes later I hear "I just need some time, to figure stuff out, to be myself. I don't want you to come skiing because I can't handle it emotionally. It's all too fresh and it hurts too much." OH I THOUGHT YOU JUST CAME TO SEE ME BECAUSE YOU OWE ME. BUT NOW ITS TOO HARD? hmmmm.....I can't see straight, or think straight. My life is being overtaken by the vortex of my mind.

My mind is like a steel trap, I remember EVERYTHING. This in itself is a blessing and a curse. If you say you love me, and give me that look, I will remember it always, with a deep fondness. If you tell me you don't ever want to talk to me again, I will remember it forever too. And most likely dwell on it, because I can be highly dangerous to myself.

So I'm searching for a way out of the heaviness of my thoughts. It's not that I'm depressed so much, but just feel burdened. I want to move on, I know this is the right thing for us. For now. But I want to be a part of what we had. I get sad hearing that Matt's dad is sick and almost went to the hospital, and he had no one to talk to, except me, 4 days after the fact. It stings to not be that first call anymore. Yeah, that's the stuff that kind of twists the knife a little deeper.

I could go on, and on, and on....and I guess this is my blog, I can do what I want. But I won't.....this is just a glimpse into my head.

But everything is totally magnified right now because as we speak, I am supposed to be in Amsterdam, hanging out with Matt. Maybe we would be out having some beers, and talking all night like we used to, and like we love to. Or maybe we would be at his house, on his completely uncomfortable futon for a couch, having some wine, falling asleep to one of his favorite movies. But I am at work, and am fighting back the tears and the urge to pick up the phone and call him.

At least I'm getting my haircut tonight.

Rainy day blues....

Admittedly today I am in a BAD mood. I am supposed to get on a plane at 5:55pm tonight and fly to Amsterdam, to then go skiing in France this weekend. Needless to say I'm not going. And I'm getting royally screwed money wise on the ticket. All that said, given that its pouring rain, I wanted to stay in bed this morning.

I want it to be a week from now so that the trip to France that I'm not going on is over, and I'm not thinking about what I could be doing. That is the WORST ya know? Sometimes it can drive one crazy. In some ways I'm tempted to just go get on the plane and show up, but someone I know isn't mature enough to handle that, so we wouldn't want him to throw a fit now would we? Although he is quite good at trying to "assert his power", too bad it doesn't work. Ok I'm just being mean..but I think I'm entitled to it today right??

I can't wait to get to the gym and workout tonight and de-stress. Then maybe a bottle of wine?? hmmm that sounds good.

Creative times....

So, everytime something bad has happened to me in the last year, I have gone to town decorating my house. And let me tell ya, it's coming together quite nicely! The first thing I did was paint my living room RED, then I painted my dining room green, and this past weekend I bought window treatments for my whole downstairs. It looks awesome. Some nice cream colored swag treatments with cute wrought iron hooks. I did this in the living room and dining room to tie the rooms together. I'm liking it, a lot.

Of course, I was about to have a nervous breakdown as I'm on the top rung of the ladder, using the power drill to hang these hooks, and I'm running into steel studs. Who puts steel studs in their walls??? I almost fell a couple of times as my brute force backfired as I'd run into the steel stud and the drill would jump off the screw. But no worries, my 96 lb. mother was there to catch me just in case :)

By the time I'm through my mini-depression my house should be finished! Next on the list is tiling all the bathrooms. But I'm basically just waiting on my dad to fit me into his schedule. The tile is already picked out and at my parents house. After that, maybe I will rip up the carpet and hardwood the rest of my downstairs? Who knows...the possibilites are endless. Oh wait, my bank account is not.....BUT I do know some people in the biz....:)

Moving on....

A big theme in my life lately seems to be "Moving On"....whether it be about getting over Matt, friends getting married, other friends moving away...there is a LOT of "moving on" around me. SO I've been thinking a lot lately about what I'm moving on to in my life.....

I'm ready for some change. But change that I MAKE, not one that's inflicted on me with no choice....A change of scenery maybe? A move to a new town could be kind of fun. It would have to be a beach town, seriously, I need to be near the beach. Maybe somewhere in FLA or CA? I loved living in FLA and have always wanted to go back.....its never the same when you do, but sometimes, I think that is a good thing. But I wish I had someone to go with me...which is really the root of my problems these days, I don't have anyone anymore. I guess that's life, you deal with the change, and make something good come out of it.

I have a new job, do I love it? Absolutely not. It will do for awhile, but I'm still searching for my perfect job. OK, no job is perfect, but a job I love, and am passionate about. I think this will ultimately result in me owning my own company, and doing some consulting of sorts. I want to be my own boss, and pay myself lots of money, and give myself lots of vacation time! :)

I digress.....in the spirit of moving on, I am currently planning on a week in Mexico in April and a week in Greece in May. That rules. Gotta have stuff to look forward to right??

Also in the spirit of moving on I am going to make my resume kick ass, and look for that even more kick ass job, that might, just might let me work from home :)

adios for now..... Pre-bunko beers await.

Happy F**ing Valentines Day...

I have to say, I've never been one to be totally into this holiday. But last year I got roses and a lovely card from my boyfriend. And this year those roses and that card sit in a drawer, out of my sight. I'm a little sad today because NO ONE has called me to say Happy Valentines Day, not even my parents! Seriously, don't they know I'm depressed??

I thought at least my mom would call, or send me some pity flowers, but no, nada. Oh well....the day is almost over. I can go to the gym, and then go home and drink some beers. Awesome, happy tuesday everyone.

I openly admit it, I'm bitter right now. It's ok, at least I'm honest.

I don't even know my own name...

Wow, another monday morning, and so soon! On Friday when I woke up feeling like death, with a throat the size of a football, I didn't have high hopes for my weekend. BUT, after a trip to the MD, a Z-pak, about 25 advil, and a lot of sleep on Friday night, I was 100% better on Saturday, and ready to rock and roll.

My new friend Meredith and I had been planning a night out where we "wouldn't even know our own names" :) Well....mission accomplished my friend. I swear, the nights where you don't really plan anything and just see what happens are hands down, the most fun. (and I have been in desperate need of some fun!!)

Around 8pm I showed up at her house, case of beer in hand, ready to go. We downed a few rather quickly, telling tales of our pasts, while waiting on the pizza man to bring us some deliciousness. My friend Carrie showed up a little bit later, Vodka in hand, and joined right in. At about 10pm we went up to The Point to meet Jobie, where her very nice bartender friends put about 4 shots in front of us in about 20 min. Niceeeee.....

The jukebox was playing some good tunes, a random boy showed up, he got in our car with us, and we were off to White Collar Crime. We decided to keep the party going by taking about 5 Jager bombs in a row. ALWAYS a good idea right? A couple hours later, many trips to MENS restroom, trying to steal mirrors out of the girls bathroom, and Carrie dancing up on everyone in the bar, we decided to head back to The Point for late night. Not much to report after that due to a mysterious black out affect :) But all in all a good night.

I am grounded this week from spending money, and drinking. But that's ok, I have some serious running to do in preparation for my 10K. hahaha....Is that REALLY going to happen? Who knows....but I do know that I'm having fun getting back in shape. :)

Things that make me happy...

I think over the course of the past 1 1/2 years I have stopped doing a lot of things that make me happy. I have spent a LOT of my time doing things for other people, whether it was my boyfriend, a friend for their wedding, work etc....but I have realized lately that I have almost completely stopped doing things for myself.

Now this is not always a bad thing, to focus on others and not yourself, I find you get a lot more out of relationships when you are "other" focused. BUT, when things come to an end, and you no longer have that boyfriend, or job, or group of friends, what's left? Not too much in my case these days. I used to be super involved in a million things at once, and was busier than I cared to be. But I was thriving! And I long for that again.

In no way do I want the number of committments I have had at previous stages in my life, that was a little insane. But I've decided to start doing things for myself again, things that make me happy....Here is my list:

1)Join my tennis league again, it starts in March
2) Keep running 3-4x a week, to train for the 10K in April
3) See friends more for activities that don't involve JUST drinking, get to know them again. (I love having dinner and hanging out)
4) Spend more time with my parents, they live 3 hours away, no reason to only go home 3x a year
5) Travel the world (I've been good at this, need to keep it up)
6) Work towards my Project Management Certification
7)Finish my MBA (debateable if this is really for me)

So this is a start of things I want to do. And I'm sure many more awesome things will come my way if I am looking for them!

Are Ipod's creating an anti-social environment?

So I have only owned an Ipod for maybe a month now? Maybe not that long.... but if you walk down the hall here at work, and glance in any random office, almost EVERYONE is listening to their Ipod's while they are working. As am I. But, in what is already an unsocial office setting, does these create bigger barriers between co-workers? Does it give the signal of "Leave me alone, I am so busy and need no extra distractions, hence the earphones in my ears blocking out all the noise"??

Or are Ipod's merely just something used to make the day go by more quickly while having all your favorite music at your fingertips?

hmmm...I'm not sure. At my last job they were forbidden while working, and I had a lot more social interaction with my co-workers. But maybe that is just a coincidence...who knows....

do I really care? not really....just an observation on this chilly monday morning!

(I write this as I sit here jamming out to Rolling Stones, whilst ignoring everyone who walks by my door :)

Holy Crap they want to start drinking at 6pm...

So I have to say that I have a really fun weekend ahead of me, and I am so glad. First of all I am excited to have stuff to fill my time and take my mind off of everything....

So tonight I was planning on going out for Justin's last night in town. I figured it would be just a few of us, starting around 9pm, drinking a few at some dive bar. Well now the plan has turned into 8 girls meeting at my house at 6pm to start drinking. Justin, Tyler and their friends are coming over at 8:30pm (I hope I'm still sober) and then we are going out to Tir Na Nog to see an 80's band. Chappy and all his friends will be at The Pourhouse next door, I think I see some "late nite" in Chappy speak coming on.

Tomorrow night is dinner and bar hopping in Chapel Hill with Chappy and Cara and that crew. Then Sunday is the Super Bowl.

I can barely survive ONE night of drinking anymore, let alone 3. But like I said before, I need a LOT of drinks right now to see through my depression. And you know what, I don't feel that bad today, because I'm excited about tonight.

Plus everytime Matt and I break up I get new hair do. I'm getting my hair chopped tomorrow maybe. Something sassy :)

Watch out world, C-Sue is back! hahaha :)

Pics to come from the weekend fo sure!

I will survive....

Well its been one week and one day since Matt and I broke up. And you know what? I think I'm going to make it. It's been a REALLY long, emotionally draining week, with a lot of yelling and screaming at each other, yet a lot of really, really great moments of "I remember why we love (D)? each other"....Today we said our final goodbyes (again). And it was absolutely incredibly sad. It's hard to let your best friend go ya know? But he said something that I think sums up exactly why we can't be together right now...."I can't be your best friend and your worst enemy at the same time"....and there is so much that is between us that needs time to heal. Time to take a step back and be thought about. Time to let anger go, and sadness go, and think about whether or not we truly make each other happy, and can in the long run. And we have morphed into each other's worst enemies, bringing out the worst versions of ourselves upon each other. That is NOT healthy.

So yes, hanging up that phone today was utterly painful. I felt as if part of me was being ripped off of my body. But I know, given some time, that the pain will heal, and this is for the better. For now, and forever really. We both have expressed how we would be ecstatic if our paths were to cross later and bring us back together, and that is a hope I will bury deep inside for later. But if they don't, I know that I experienced something truly special, and got to see parts of the world I never had before, with someone I loved. And I have lots of memories that will never be forgotten.

So yeah, today was incredibly sad. But it only has to get better from here, with us and with myself. And for that I am excited, and I know I will survive. (It's probably going to take a lot of drinks and tears in the near future, but I'm ok with that. )