Best trip ever...

So I'm back from Thailand, it was the most amazing trip I've ever been on. It's absolutely gorgeous, and hot as hell! I'm too tired right now to write about anything so I'm just going to post some pics....I definitely reccomend going there, its worth the trip.

Mai Tai's in 10 days....

I leave for Thailand in 10 days, I cannot WAIT. I need a vacation from this place, from my life really, and I'm so ready its not funny. A bungalow on the water awaits my arrival, hopefully it will be serviced by a hot cabana boy who brings a steady flow of Mai Tai's or Margaritas all day long. That sounds like the perfect vacation!


This is where I will be staying, it looks heavenly. My mind is in overdrive right now with everything going on at work and personally, I cannot wait to be on the other side of the world from it all. And I better come back damn tan!!

Let's Celebrate Bitches!

So I knew it was going to be a good night, when at 2:30pm in the afternoon, I was at a bar drinking with friends. By 4pm I had been introduced to many old men, who were buying us beer; and the owner of the bar had so lovingly applied my personal chapstick not only to his lips, but about half of his face. How could one not be in a good mood? Then the Guinness girls showed up and gave us beads, t-shirts, and a hat for Chappy who showed up at just the right time :) After convincing one more friend, Meredith, to come on down too, I was having a damn good time.

My plans to head to Chapel Hill were foiled a little by thoughts of sleeping in my own bed, as I could tell this was going to be a long night. So I headed back to Raleigh with Meredith, to go to Old Navy and Michaels, WASTED, and buy t-shirts and iron on letters, to make the best shirts ever. IT's a funny thing to be in a clothing store, clearly drunk, with little kids running around, and I'm talking at what I'm SURE was my bar voice and not my inside voice, about how happy I was to be "drunk in Old Navy". Yes, classy lady here.

After the purchases were made, we dashed back to Merediths place, to take Jager Bombs while ironing on our letters. TOTALLY safe right? Well, the shirts were a hit I must say. Who doesn't love a pair of girls with shirts that say "I'm Drunk" on the front and "Let's Celebrate Bitches" on the back? I'm pretty sure we were the most populare people there :)

There was a band outside, we danced, a lot, by ourselves. We eventually met up with the people we knew, had some MORE beers, on top of the oh, 5 Jager Bombs we'd downed in the last hour or so. Reaching black out status was quite easy, and when I woke up the next morning with someone's autograph on my right hand, all I could do was smile, and roll over and go back to sleep. Because that is what one does after a night of "Let's Celebrate Bitches"!!! I'm so glad Meredith came up with that grand idea for the night......thanks girl!

Presidents Day Postponed Weekend....

My weekend in a nutshell can be summed up with these photos....It was an AWESOME time, now I am grounded for a week to recover. Did I mention that I had SO MUCH FUN?? Yeah, I did. I went on a boat, to a bar, that rules.

Oh happy day!

I am in the BEST mood today. You want to know why?? I AM WEARING SANDALS!!! It's going to be 80 degrees today, its Thursday, and I'm going to the beach tomorrow! It's officially almost springtime. Everyone at work is wearing skirts and sandals, people are driving with their windows down, and I slept with my windows open. So many things to be happy about :)

I'm super pumped for this weekend. I'm heading to John's beach house in SC with some friends from near and afar. It's going to be a weekend of cold beers, grilling out, walking on the beach, and maybe getting the first hint of color since last summer. I am excited to get away. It's been quite a week!

A little update from my 2006 resolutions....I am still running, about 4 days a week. It's getting a lot easier, and I'm signed up for my first road race on April 1st. a 5K at Duke. We are going to run through the campus and the Duke Gardens, it should be a nice run. My new friend Karen, who ROCKS, is going to do it with me.

Other than that I can't remember, but getting in shape is coming along. Woohoo.

Ummm I wish it was Friday!

So confused....

Do you ever feel like your life is a paradox of contradictions? I feel like I'm living in so many realms right now, where reality and dreams are mixing so closely, that I'm not sure what to believe anymore. And that words coming out of people's lips are starting to sound like Charley Brown's teacher "mwah mwah mwah..." and that I am trying to so hard to grasp onto the brutal reality of my life, but am so lost in the mode of deciphering everything, that I don't even know what the heck it is I'm trying to figure out anymore.....

I've had this endless conversation with Matt about us, what do we feel, for each other, without each other, where are we going, what are we doing....I'm drowning in the contradictions coming out of his mouth. And its clouding over everything else in my life, making it hard to think, make decisions, move on. I hear "I love you, I miss you, its hard to have you in my life, but its hard to have you not in my life" then a minute or two later I hear "It was only fair to come see you over Christmas". ONLY FAIR?? WHAT THE HELL? And in a single moment I'm enraged, and deeply hurt, and my eyes well with tears at the thought that all of it was a lie, and he felt like he owed me something for some reason. But then a few minutes later I hear "I just need some time, to figure stuff out, to be myself. I don't want you to come skiing because I can't handle it emotionally. It's all too fresh and it hurts too much." OH I THOUGHT YOU JUST CAME TO SEE ME BECAUSE YOU OWE ME. BUT NOW ITS TOO HARD? hmmmm.....I can't see straight, or think straight. My life is being overtaken by the vortex of my mind.

My mind is like a steel trap, I remember EVERYTHING. This in itself is a blessing and a curse. If you say you love me, and give me that look, I will remember it always, with a deep fondness. If you tell me you don't ever want to talk to me again, I will remember it forever too. And most likely dwell on it, because I can be highly dangerous to myself.

So I'm searching for a way out of the heaviness of my thoughts. It's not that I'm depressed so much, but just feel burdened. I want to move on, I know this is the right thing for us. For now. But I want to be a part of what we had. I get sad hearing that Matt's dad is sick and almost went to the hospital, and he had no one to talk to, except me, 4 days after the fact. It stings to not be that first call anymore. Yeah, that's the stuff that kind of twists the knife a little deeper.

I could go on, and on, and on....and I guess this is my blog, I can do what I want. But I won't.....this is just a glimpse into my head.

But everything is totally magnified right now because as we speak, I am supposed to be in Amsterdam, hanging out with Matt. Maybe we would be out having some beers, and talking all night like we used to, and like we love to. Or maybe we would be at his house, on his completely uncomfortable futon for a couch, having some wine, falling asleep to one of his favorite movies. But I am at work, and am fighting back the tears and the urge to pick up the phone and call him.

At least I'm getting my haircut tonight.

Rainy day blues....

Admittedly today I am in a BAD mood. I am supposed to get on a plane at 5:55pm tonight and fly to Amsterdam, to then go skiing in France this weekend. Needless to say I'm not going. And I'm getting royally screwed money wise on the ticket. All that said, given that its pouring rain, I wanted to stay in bed this morning.

I want it to be a week from now so that the trip to France that I'm not going on is over, and I'm not thinking about what I could be doing. That is the WORST ya know? Sometimes it can drive one crazy. In some ways I'm tempted to just go get on the plane and show up, but someone I know isn't mature enough to handle that, so we wouldn't want him to throw a fit now would we? Although he is quite good at trying to "assert his power", too bad it doesn't work. Ok I'm just being mean..but I think I'm entitled to it today right??

I can't wait to get to the gym and workout tonight and de-stress. Then maybe a bottle of wine?? hmmm that sounds good.